Remembering the 9th of February (moments)

No, you didn’t miss this February holiday, this 9th of February, it’s my day, a day of remembering. I used to try to forget.

February, for many people, is the short month, the last month to get through the winter blues. March seems more hopeful as the days feel longer and we are teased with warmer weather in the Northern Hemisphere. But in February, we’re distracted with Valentine’s Day mid-month and focused on love and romance. That can mean a moment of happiness or sadness or even indifference depending on your ‘relationship’ or ‘love’ status.

I dwell in the cosmic ocean of love that is existence.

It was a month where in my life, the experience of every raw emotion was felt through my being, in my bones, from heightened joy to the most profound and deep sadness.

For me, February is the month that my life changed in one breath, one moment. It’s where I found and lost love ultimately. A month, when promises were made and broken simultaneously, even as I was unaware that was the case.

I made a promise that I did not keep – one that was impossible to keep – and, as it turns out, a promise that wasn’t meant to be kept.

I cried an ocean of tears into a stormy sea of emotions and, a waterfall of saliva cascaded into it as I wept. Saline tears streamed from my eyes and poured from my mouth, landing on the floor of a hospital emergency waiting room. It was the greatest sadness that I have ever known.

That month, I observed the curious onlookers, the watchers, the people who knew us, the people who pretended to care and watched and noticed the people who did care.

I watched as a mother turned her back on her son once again, and a father stepped up to his son’s aid yet again.

I fought institutions and celebrated the small wins. I made sacrifices willingly and with love, not martyrdom (however tempting that can become).

The event, the story doesn’t matter. What matters is that even though I drowned in that ocean, some years later, like a prehistoric creature, I crawled back out of the depths of that sea.

I honour and remember this day, but I don’t dwell there. Now I dwell in the cosmic ocean of love that is existence. That’s why I’m writing this today, during this Valentine’s season, to remind myself and you, there is a difference between being alone and loneliness, our existence and value doesn’t depend on outside validation, and the choices we make (even unconsciously) matter.

It is a time to remember that love is all that matters – not the ooey-gooey sticky love (even though that’s a lot of fun). So on this February day, I am asking you to love yourself. Remember that you are love. And know that even when you fight the long battle, sometimes we don’t always win.

This was originally published in Mindful Soul Center magazine.